Posted in Berlin, Boyfriends, Stories, Student, Writing

The Narcissist That I am.

Hello!

I’ve noticed that since I’ve been away I haven’t updated you on the things I’m now doing what I’ve done in the past year etc. So, I feel that this blog post will finally give me an excuse to tell you more about myself so you can get to know me a little better. The problem with blogging as we all know is that sometimes life can often get in the way meaning we have very little time to blog, once you stop blogging your inspiration goes and your readers follow (Well some of them) not that you blame them. Blogging in a way is like a relationship but without the clingy other half, you have to keep your readers begging for more, like I suppose a romantic partner not that I’m experienced in that department and I’d love to say I took a break from blogging on a high leaving my readers begging for more but quite honestly, I didn’t. I’ve detailed in my previous blogs why I stopped and I’m not going to bore you with that because I’ll become like an old person in the early stages of dementia. So, I’m going to try and condense what I’ve been up to in this blog post, I’ll try and keep it short.

 

1.)    I have just finished my A levels

I have just finished full time education completing three A levels in English Literature, Sociology and Geography. I hope to be at university in September, studying English and Theatre studies although for privacy reasons I don’t want to disclose which university I’m going to go to. I can’t fully tell you what I want to be, what I want to do or where I want to go in life, but life has a funny sort of way of sorting things out for us so I guess I’ll just have to see where it takes me.

 

 

2.)    I turned 18 in February and am now a fully-fledged adult

It seems strange to say that I am an “adult”, although I don’t look old enough I’m told that often enough; I usually get asked “So have you finished school, what are you planning to do next?” and I mean ok, I’ve still got my baby face but come on. I suppose in a funny sort of way I don’t mind people mistaking my age because I’m hoping I look young in my forties. I always joke that “I’m going to get a 20-year-old toy boy” when I’m forty, but thinking about it I’m two years off twenty and forty-year olds don’t seem to appeal to me. Sorry Dads.  For my birthday, I didn’t really want a big party because alcohol and buffets always seem to bring out the worst in people as it suggests in Othello “Why put an enemy in your mouth to steal away you brains” something like that anyway. And I myself am not a big drinker, I’m 5ft 2 (ish) and weigh 7 stone so I really can’t handle it, and I don’t really like paying for it either. So, alcohol isn’t really my thing as I’m an old soul finding nightclubs to be too loud and playing crap music and the alcohol not tasting nice, I suppose that’s not the point though alcohol isn’t supposed to taste nice in those sort of establishments, just get you drunk. For me I’ve not yet gotten drunk, I don’t want to be out of control in a busy town centre and I wouldn’t say I abstain but alcohol isn’t really my vice. I don’t think it’s clever as alcohol is expensive and you’re paying for yourself to be ill the next morning as well as face liver damage. No thanks. For my birthday, I got some lovely presents, I’m not going to post them on here and brag about them because I’m not that type of person and I also feel that it’s too late for me to write about them, maybe on my 19th. For me I thinks it’s not the presents that you get bought that you remember but more the experiences you have with family and friends which really makes it special. My birthday was on a day when I was at college so I couldn’t really do much in the day time, a lot of teachers were surprised I’d turned up, but birthdays are like busses they come and go. Luckily, I wasn’t starting until eleven so I got the morning to open my presents. To celebrate I was bought a bottle of champagne which I still haven’t drunk and we went out for a eat where I had my first legal drink. The next day luckily, I had a day off so my mum took me out to a patisserie for an afternoon tea. The half term holidays are usually quite close to my birthday so we headed up to York where I met my university friend and we went out for a few drinks and I was taken to Bettys tea room for cake. (I have a shocking sweet tooth if you haven’t gathered)

IMAG0164IMG_20170201_210700_687

 

3.)    I visited Berlin

As part of my birthday present I asked to go to Berlin with college, I’m not a very materialistic person and prefer experiences I remember rather than having gifts. I had an amazing time we visited lots of monuments:

  • Alexander Platz
  • Street food Market: Markthalle Neun
  • TV Tower
  • The Berlin Wall
  • Potsdamer Platz
  • The Jewish Memorial
  • Brandenburg Gate
  • We had a canal ride
  • Visited the East Side Gallery
  • Museum Island
  • Concentration Camp (Swchenhausen Memorial and Museum)
  • Reichstag
  • Berlin Zoo
  • I visited Bowie’s café

 

 

3.)I had a boyfriend

I’m not really going to go into this because I feel I am allowed my own sense of privacy and I want my blog to be a positive place which is like a warm hug. I dumped him but I’ve learnt a couple of things never go out with a man:

  • That is the same shoe size as you.
  • Brags about his “7.8-inch penis” (I never saw it, don’t worry)
  • That makes a crap cup of tea.
  • And votes for an opposing political party.

 

4.)    I voted in my first election:

After not being able to vote in Brexit as I wasn’t old enough I could finally vote for my chosen political party. I voted and I was so glad that the youth vote rose because for a while politicians haven’t really cared about us because they haven’t felt that we could help them win. I feel like it works like this the young haven’t voted because of the lack of policies geared towards us and because of that there’s been even less policies geared towards us, so it’s like a vicious circle. After Brexit, I think we finally got the message and I know I kind of can’t include myself but still. The youth vote allowed labour to win more seats, which I’m very glad about.

 

 

5.)    I volunteer for Girl-Guiding UK

I have been a volunteer for with Girl-Guiding UK for over seven years and I absolutely love it, it allows me to give back to my community and gain good experience around children. I’ve gained so much confidence and have enjoyed every minute of working with them, I don’t have a bad word I can say about any of them because they’re all little stars who make me laugh.

 

 

So that’s all I have to say for now, I hope you have enjoyed reading my blog please like, comment and share if you so wish to.

 

The Girl With Purple Dockers xx

Advertisements
Posted in Advice, Anxiety, Mental health, Teenager, Writing

Self-Care and anxiety

During the exam period, I found it very stressful, now I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety because I haven’t felt it for long enough and after exam period finished my symptoms of anxiety vanished due to the vast amount of stress being alleviated. However, I did suffer the symptoms and wouldn’t wish them on anyone. My head felt like it was racing with thoughts, my mouth felt dry and I could barely stomach any food. I cried a lot at least once a day and had mood swings which is out of character for me. My mum used to say to me “take a chill pill” but in all honesty, it’s not as easy as that when you have anxiety symptoms you can’t just “chill” there’s always things you need to be doing, or a thought that comes to bother you. During exam period, I felt that no matter how much revision I did I would inevitably fail leaving me feeling hopeless.

I feel that today, despite mental health issues becoming an “epidemic” there is still a stigma attached to mental health disorders making it very difficult to admit to people that you have one despite the one in four statistics. I often feel that anxiety is romanticised as cute and quirky generated by authors who think going for a coffee will somehow magically banish all the symptoms, even though caffeine isn’t the best thing to solve anxiety. When I had the symptoms, I felt like my anxiety was never going to end but speaking from experience if you are suffering with anxiety you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and dig yourself out of the pit which you find yourself in. It won’t be a quick fix and you may feel that anxiety consumes you for days, months, weeks, years even, but you should appreciate the good days when you have a smile on your face and take the days everyday as they come, not think about the weeks that follow.  So, here’s my advice on looking after yourself as anxiety can take over leaving you in forgetting about yourself.

1.)    Take a break

When I was doing my A levels I can’t remember giving myself a day off because I was so worried. It got to the point where my work began to consume me and I often felt like I was drowning under the weight of my own high expectation and the masses of revision I had given myself. It got to the point where revision became like an addiction, like alcoholics suffer without their vice, I couldn’t go a day without doing work. In reality, people who have a job don’t work for seven days a week. I always had a heavy sense of guilt when I wasn’t revising which caused it to become a compulsion where I would labour over books for 3-4 hours, sometimes more every day. My advice would be stop, just stop, you can, it won’t hurt you too much as long as you keep a balance and don’t go out every night. Just breathe, relax, take every day as it comes and focus on the end goal. If it helps have a night or a couple of nights a week where you do something you love whether this be a sport, a craft, volunteering or a hobby. For me I found that when I was doing something productive that wasn’t work it took my mind of my anxiety and my revision so I would advise you to do the same.

 

2.)    Eat Cake

Now I’m not saying eat it all the time, but eat things you enjoy. I personally have a very sweet tooth and during the stress of the exam period lost half a stone because my bowels just went AWOL. Everything I ate went in one end and came out the other, or I was sick because of the stress (Sorry too much information). Eating things, you like might make you feel better, although only eat bad things in moderation.

wp-1473669274923.jpg

3.)    Let your emotions out but don’t let them rule you

Personally, I still find it very difficult to express my emotions I am what my mum calls me “an emotional retard”. I always keep things bottled up until I decide I can no longer keep them in. Emotions are meant to be felt, it’s ok to not feel ok all the time, we all have good days and bad days. We’re not robots and not made of iron but flesh and blood, we’re all only human and we must understand that it’s ok to cry. Generally, you tend to feel better after you cry, I know that I found this. Once you show your emotions people will begin to understand how you’re feeling, they won’t think you’re weird or judge you, but know you’re not feeling yourself and need help. People will help you if you let them which brings me on to my next point.

4.)    Talk to people

This is probably one of the most important pieces of advice I could give you. Talking to people gave me lots of opportunities to feel better within myself and allowed people to help me. I was designated a safe space where I could go out if I needed some down time, get a drink, colour and talk if I felt like it. If I couldn’t concentrate within lesson I was given a classroom on my own, or time to go down to the safe space. This also allowed me to open up conversation with my peers and made me feel less alone. If you feel you can’t talk to parents/carers, teachers or friends tell your doctor (I will do a blog post on this if you would like one, let me know in the comments). If that fails ring the Samaritans on 116 123 (UK only). I will link the website below for more information.

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Remember you are not alone ¼ people suffer with a mental illness at some point throughout their lives, remember you aren’t going mad or cracking up and you will come out of the other side but like I said It takes time and that time is different for everyone. You’re doing great, keep your chin up

5.)    Read a book

For me reading helped me hugely as It didn’t let me concentrate on my own whizzing thoughts, it transported me to another world where characters had their own lives and problems that didn’t concern me. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a story just read something whether it be a magazine, short story or group of poems but DO NOT USE FACEBOOK AS READING. This also brings me to my next point.

wp-1473580191403.jpg

6.)    Stay off social media

Social media puts a lot of pressure on us to live a “perfect life” where we all look perfect and have a perfect career, husband, life-style, families and holidays. Whereas in reality we’re getting divorced because our husband has shagged the neighbour, we found out we were adopted (Not that it’s a bad thing to be adopted, don’t call the NSPCC on me) and the 5* holiday we booked turned out to be a rat-infested caravan that stinks of shit. Ok a little over- dramatic but there we go, social media isn’t real we all know that, but we all seem to become absorbed in the fake people portray. Coming off Facebook was the best thing I ever did, it allowed me to focus on exams and myself and I didn’t miss it either.

7.)    Have a bath

Fill it with things that relax you whether it be a scented candle, bubble bath, bath oil and bath bombs. Go mad, make a bath cocktail.

wp-1483139966093.jpg

8.)    Go for a walk

Walking helps clear your head, I used to go walking quite a lot and visit a little dam where I could just sit, admire the view and just be without worrying about anything.

IMAG0207

9.)    Meditate

Stop, take time out, breathe, focus on your breathing count your breaths in, out in out, that’s it. Where is the sensation in your body and are there any feelings of tension not judging it just noticing it? For me meditating really helped me just take a break from my constant thoughts. My mum works for the NHS and could get a free trial for a yearn of an app called headspace which I am using at the minute. It gives you several packs to choose from to help you get through whatever you may be feeling. It is usually quite expensive at £52/6 per year but you can join a site called anxiety.org and get mentoring for £30 which comes with a subscription to headspace. Just so you know I am not sponsored by either site just making you aware of them in case you need to use them. Alternatively, there are free apps on the app store and I’d always recommend doing the free trial.

10.) Make yourself look good

When I was suffering with anxiety I could hardly be bothered about my appearance, now I’m not necessarily a vain person but like to look presentable. When my anxiety was at its worst I would just throw some clothes on not caring how they looked or whether they matched. I wouldn’t even dab makeup on my face because I really didn’t care about myself. I would scrape my hair into a ponytail and when I was feeling particularly adventurous maybe even a plait. On good days, I would put the tiniest bit of tinted moisturiser on and it did make me feel better as they say, “you look good you feel good”. Sometimes on days when I wasn’t feeling my best planning my outfit, straightening my hair and doing my make-up would help and it might help you too.

IMAG0360
I really like this picture of me , I was on my way to a beer festival

So, all that’s probably left to say is thank you very much for reading, if you are suffering with any mental health disorder remember you are not alone, live everyday as it comes and pat yourself on the back for getting through today no matter how difficult you find it. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will begin to feel better.  I hope these tips help even if it’s one person who reads this blog, feel free to leave any comments of things you do to help your anxiety and let me know if these tips help you. If you need someone to talk to do not hesitate to contact me because I know how you’re feeling and remember if today hasn’t gone so well tomorrow is a new day. Finally if you’d like me to write anything else about my experience with anxiety let me know in the comments section below, I am more than happy to answer your questions.

Much love and take care of yourself,

The Girl With Purple Dockers.

xx

Posted in Berlin, blogging, Fresh Start, Mental health, Writing

Time for a change.

I’m sitting on my bed at 11’oclock typing, late nights seem to be the only time I am able to catch a spark of inspiration. After taking my A levels which I found to be very traumatic my brain cells have just seemed to die. The last thing I’ve felt like doing is sit down and write on my blog. Which could suggest several things.

1)      A-levels have killed my creative spark for the time being.

2)      What I’m blogging about has no interest to me anymore and I need to change the direction of my blog because my readers won’t be interested in my work if I am not.

3)      I’ve become very lazy due to the lack of work which I now no longer must do.

 

I possibly think it could be a combination of those things, as mentioned I didn’t enjoy taking A levels, but then again who enjoys taking exams. I am now on a very welcome break and I planned to write at least three times a week which I used to do before.  My blog contains a lot of poetry and general ramblings about things, however I feel this is mainly a creative writing blog and I have been writing creatively just not on here as I have been writing a play for my university course (More on that in my next blog post) which I hopefully start in September; at the moment I don’t want to share it as it isn’t finished and I don’t want it to be copied, you never know what people on the internet can be like .  However I have recently found out If I publish my creative work on WordPress I can’t submit it into competitions as it is plagiarism as I have no way to prove the blog is mine, very complicated blah, blah. I now feel that I don’t want to be restricted anymore, hence why I called myself girl with the purple dockers because it isn’t specific.

 

Basically, this has been a long-winded way of telling you that I want to be a bit more experimental with the things that I write on my blog and cover a wide variety of topics that I’m interested in. I’ve already mentioned this in my new years resolutions but I haven’t followed this through, I’m a very bad blogger, sit me on the blogger naughty step if you like. Anyway, once a blogger loses interest in what they’re writing that’s the end of the blog and I don’t want that to happen because:

1)      I want to improve my writers craft, and I feel a variety of blog posts will help me develop this.

2)      I love the positive community on WordPress who brighten my day when they leave comments or like my post. Now I know I probably don’t have the biggest audience but we all must start from somewhere. The people who like, comment, read and follow me brighten my day and I have very much missed that feeling.

3)      I really enjoy writing and want to build up a bigger audience but so does everyone else.

 

Change is a good thing most of the time, as they say “Variety Is the spice of life” and although a lot of blogging websites tell you to have a good focus and keep to the same topic I personally feel that I want to experiment and see what works best for me and my readers. I’ll see how it goes and do it that way.

So all that’s left to say is thank you very much for reading my post and if you have any ideas of things you’d like to see I’m more than happy to listen to you in the comments.

All my love for now, as I’m off to brainstorm some ideas.

 

IMAG0307
Sunrise over the Berlin Wall which I took on a recent holiday. Like people’s views changed about communism mine have also changed about this blog, this image marks the rise and fall of my mental health ,however I am now solid again and back to normal.

 

 

The Girl With Purple Dockers.

Posted in Emotions, Exam stress, Memories, Mental health, Teenager, Writers, Writing

Starting again 

I should start off this post by saying sorry for not posting . In reality I’m not sorry , sometimes things become too much. So much you loose yourself and have to build yourself back up ,which I am currently in the process of doing . I haven’t been in a good way or been myself in these last couple of months. I’ve been struggling and I know writing is supposed to help me but with revision and exams I just haven’t felt up to it or anything in that matter ,hence why I’ve took a long break . If you saw my last blog post ,It was the trigger that made me understand that things weren’t right. It was all down to the pressure brought km by exam stress but now I’ve finished my A levels and thrown 2 years of notes into the waste paper bin. Which has freed the Albatros or at least the weight of expectation from around my neck.

I’m on the mend gluing myself back together , taking a well earned rest and starting to re-discover things I enjoy doing .  I just thought I’d write this short blog post just to let you know I’m back and am going to start blogging again. I now have a lot of free time and am going to put my time back into writing 
as well as self care.I know just have to take a breath and know what I’ve done in my exams is all I could have done,I cannot change the outcome and understand that things happen for a reason .

So thank you all for being patient with me and I’ll see you in my next blog .

Sophia xx