Posted in Acne, Body confidence, Body image, Feminism, Growing up, Writing

I’m not going to be ugly anymore.

Ever since I was nine my face has been dotted with acne , it was always a stigma that surrounded me people were put off talking to me because of my physical appearance; or at least that’s how it felt. I wouldn’t socialise and spent most of my breaks and lunch times in the library reading and I enjoyed that . There’s a point though to how long reading can last ,until you want to talk to people and you want them to like you . I used to try really hard and bring in sweets and share them round in hope that someone would actually want to talk to me ,or invite me to sit with them for lunch making the first three years of secondary school very difficult; I was just being used because in their eyes I was a “pathetic freak.”

I used to feel worthless, I never had suicidal thoughts but sometimes I thought it was better I disappear ; no body would care if I did. I used to be bullied about my appearance which has left me with lasting physical and mental scars ; often called “gollum.” , “ugly” , “juicy spot.’ , “shiny forehead.” . The list goes on .

Even though this happened several years ago the effects and their words are still felt. Kids can be cruel and think about things in the moment and I suppose if I told them all this today they’d apologise and say they didn’t mean it . But it’s too late . 

Today has given me the confidence to remove those labels from myself and fight those deamons in my head. In today’s society instagram ,facebook is filled with unrealistic images which we can’t all fit . Everyone has had trouble with their appearance and self esteem at some point. 

The thing is I’m not going to let those labels effect me anymore.   The only person who decides how beautiful I am is myself. People label and stigmatise because they have their own insecurities and things they hate so if they make someone feel worse  instead of building them up. 

I feel that if I never accept myself it will affect me and I don’t want it to because my acne will go eventually and I suppose a positive is I’m young enough to get it . Beauty starts from within, it is a combination of aspects that you have to find yourself.  Beauty is not simply aesthetic beauty it is confidence, intelligence, kindness and building each other up not breaking each other down like I’ve said in a previous blog.

Beauty is facing stigma and overcoming it and helping people face theirs. My acne scars are my battle wounds ,I’ve survived the battle and won it.

Here’s to a brighter more confident future.
SS

I have no makeup on !
Advertisements
Posted in Acne, Advice, blogging, Creative Writing, Dear Past Self, Memories, Poetry, Stories, Student, Theatre, Writing

Dear younger self,

 You’re  probably thinking  you’ll be a different person,  cool, popular and in with the cliqué.  Or have grown a couple of inches. You’re wrong . Still the same old 5ft 1 and a half .
The clique non-existent, the beauty of you; never wanting to follow the crowd ; purposely not liking One Direction everyone else liked. You followed your own interests and still are, like acting. You’ve now decided you don’t want to be an actor , but want to write scripts for the BBC o

r plays for the stage . Cake is your harmartia you could devour all day long; not worrying about a scrap of weight being placed onto your petite figure..Oh and another thing you lost a stone on the Duke of Edinburgh ; you were made to carry the heaviest backpack despite being the smallest. 15kg for 20 miles. Just don’t let people take advantage,you always seem to see the good in people, forgive people too many times.Like your ‘friend’ that you had since primary school who emotionally abused you; pushed you downstairs then you found out several years later they turned out to be transgender and confused. Don’t forgive them this time; some things are un-forgivable.

Remember that boy in secondary school that sexually harassed you? You realised it wasn’t your fault; even though people called your out for saying something.Sexual harassment is by no means acceptable you managed to openup about the experience at an NUS conference. There’s been a lot of attention surrounding sexual harassment in schools.

No you’re acne still hasn’t disappeared, it’s better but still not gone completely. People don’t judge you anymore now you’re at college, they love your personality, your love of theatre and the fact you like being individual. You’re doing well ,you became a student ambassador then managed to get onto the board of governors.Don’t be scared of failure.

You’re happier now , a lot happier ; you still don’t have a good sense of style or taste in music; still liking showtunes.But that’s you, don’t change it.

The pantomimes you used to be in you quit ; the director called you an obnoxious cow and told you that the audience didn’t want to watch you. Good riddance. So you joined another theatre group which you like a lot better.

Finally you’ve realized why your breasts haven’t surpassed a 32A , you still hate the size . You want them to be bigger; you’re a pear so keep loving that bum.

I suppose all I have to tell you now is ,keep being different, follow your dreams, never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough and don’t be scared of failure.
Love older self X


~SS

Posted in Acne, blogging, Bullying, Creative Writing, English Literature, Memories, Poetry, Stories, Student, Writing

Behind the mask.

A festering tapeworm under the skin. A trillion bullet holes shooting through a greasy mirror.

Trapped by porcelain faces , rouge lipped smiles. Pitiful eyes staring their scorching glare.

Razor sharp words crack my face.

Splitting confidence.

Escaping from harsh tongues to a desolated toilet.

Ugly 

spotty ,

freak.

Thoughts dancing like a plague;

Causing a flood.

Concocting potions trying to rid the strawberry blotches.

Smothering imperfections with layers of makeup;

Only to make them greater.

Left with an empty feeling of helplessness.

So having a nearly nine year battle I thought I’d write this poem to express the feelings I’ve been bottling up . My acne is going now but my skin still is red ,blotchy and stained with acne scars which look like craters. I’ve tried everything I can think of to rid myself of them but nothing has worked.I know people think acne is just acne but it’s more psychological than that.I always feel dirty no matter what amount of chemicals I paste on. I never feel good enough. I suppose this is down to me starting puberty extremely early , at the age of nine.

When I started secondary school no one in my year seemed to have developed spots; making me look like a freak that had been created in a laboratory. Giving people the licence to call me names. If anyone remembers the popular Rhianna song “shine bright like a diamond.” The lyrics were changed to “shine bright like your forehead.’ and chanted to me due to the oiliness of my skin.

I remember people avoiding me due to the way I looked, thinking I’d spread some sort of bacteria onto them. Those remarks made still have a lasting impact , the acne scars aren’t just the scars caused by the spots but the scars caused by the past. Each name called is like a lasting bruise.

I know people are told to look on the inside, see inner beauty within themselves; it’s easier said than done.People seem to value appearance more than personality. I suppose the rise of social media hasn’t helped with that .

That’s why I choose to wear the mask ,to cake myself in makeup ;  that’s why I hide imperfections . I know I sound vain ,  insecure.That’s why I hide in a blanket of confidence, shielding myself from venomous remarks.

I know to you they don’t look bad, but you’re not me.

This is why I wear makeup